...and so on to Julio Baptista, our much put-upon centre forward. A 0-0 draw was almost inevitable which meant no real highlights to watch for those of us stuck in a cupboard in London, merely the witterings of our correspondent in the field disguised as Scooby-Doo - or who did not have a Scooby - I wasn't sure
Mart Poom - Sept points - The beneficiary of Arsene Wenger's controversial decision the evening before to base the selection of goalkeeper on a Eurovision Song Contest karaoke sing-off - Poom's take on Making Your Mind Up, with Rosicky and Hleb in the mini-skirted roles of Cheryl Baker and t'Other One who nobody knows the name of, beating Almunia's La, La, La (he got the words wrong) and Jens's poorly chosen A Little Peace. Performed adequately.
Justin Hoyte/Gael Clichy - 6.15sec/6.14 - In the absence of any threat from Portsmouth's wingers, our two full-backs took part in a 50m sprint contest - originally meant to be the full-length of the pitch but both got lost once they crossed the halfway line
Kolo Toure - 2 2 2 We've got Kolo Toure 2 2 2 He plays for Arsenal - (um that makes 12/10, I think)
Phillipe Senderos - Won technical k/o 5 rounds - Phil 'The Swiss Alp' Senderos proved the mockers wrong with a commanding performance against his big African opponent, Nwankwo 'The Stick' Kanu. Drogba will hold no fears now
Emmanuel Eboue - 5.8 (degree of difficulty 3.5) - Warmed up for his players' party fancy-dress turn as Arnold from Different Strokes by responding to the encouraging gibes from his big brother-figure in the team with his well-practised pout and outbursts of "what'chu talkin' 'bout, Kolo?"
Johan Djourou - 8.4 - Measurement on the Richter scale when it was announced that a centre back was playing in midfield for the first time since the days of Martin Keown. Poised on the ball, athletic, decent passer - the resemblance was absent
Cesc Fabregas - F4 - [Paste lavish praise from any of previous 40-odd performances]
Alexander Hleb - 1 or 10 - A footballing genius or Hleb the Pleb I just can't make up my mind
Abou Diaby - 7 - Boy done well
Julio Baptista - 3.1415926 - As in who ate all the… Our much-missing Brazilian will not be much missed. Funny how when he got the ball people stopped shouting shooooooooooot
Substitutes not used
Youngster
Infant
Toddler
Embryo
Sperm
Youngster
Infant
Toddler
Embryo
Sperm