Jens Lehmann - 7 - Shall be taken from this place and forced to spend most of the season sitting on a bench watching Manuel Almunia play in goal. MOTM and shall serve his sentence retrospectively (one hopes).
Justin Hoyte - 2 - Some would say he's suffered enough, but no - he must be punished. Spending the rest of his career in the Championship should suffice, though a soft prison such as Southampton is recommended.
Kolo Toure - 4 - Shows great remorse - 400 star jumps.
William Gallas - 4 - Must be made an example of and suffer more than his charges. A week in the company of Motson and Lawrenson it is then.
Armand Traore - 2 - The lesser evil of the Traore twins, Armand must follow Djimi's lead and stay well out of the limelight for the forseeable future. A guest spot on Lily Allen's show is a fitting punishment.
Emmanuel Eboue - 1 - Shall be forced to watch endless repeats of American TV comedy My Name is Earl until he understands what karma is (NB substituted for The Boy Who Cried Wolf if Theo ever returns the DVD).
Gilberto Silva - 3 - Our midfield mandolin player will get a slice of his own medicine. Will be forced to watch George Formby movies until he asks for a transfer (yes I know he plays a ukulele).
Cesc Fabregas - 4 - Previous good behaviour taken into account. Suspended sentence - any more performances like that and he will be forced to play with Gilberto again.
Alexander Hleb - 4 - An unwitting accomplice to the crime, he must nevertheless pay a price. A week with Tomas Rosicky's personal physio should see him suffer enough.
Eduardo da Silva - 5 - Not the worst but must be deported back to Croa..um Brazil? Ah, sod it let him stay.
Nicklas Bendtner - 3 - Shall room with Ade next season (warning - high risk of escape plan).