'Dear Premier League'.....

I know this is a story that will run and run but it has come to my notice that a bunch of whinging gits from the wrong end of Seven Sisters Road are bringing the game into disrepute. Whilst I appreciate that a huge chip on their shoulder has made them seriously unbalanced that is no excuse for acting like total arseholes. If their pathetic begging letter has not yet arrived you can it seems find it on their website. Personally I think that for publishing private correspondence addressed to your good selves they should be deducted 3 points. But that's strictly your call of course.

Seems the poor dears claimed to have had the shits due to an overdose of sour grapes, or was it really just the thought of finishing 5th behind the mighty Arsenal? Anyway I hear they claimed to have ten sick players, obviously a lie because I gather they all played anyway against West Ham so they are obviously compulsive liars for which I respectfully suggest you deduct 3 points. (-6 in total)

I'm don't know how you feel about one team having an unfair advantage over another in such a crucial match but I don't think it's fair. Why were the Spuds allowed to field 12 players against West Ham's 10? - I think that you should consider deducting a further 3 points due to the fact that Sheringham so blatantly swapped teams without officially going out on loan. So that would be another 3 points for the team swap and another 3 for not advising of the team swap through official channels. (I make that -12 points)

Wasting the Football Associations time when they're all so busy working on their German freebies - got to be a 3 point deduction minimum, o.k. go on then, if you say so, make it 6. (-18)

That Jol's an ugly fecker - what do you say? 3 points off for frightening children? Yes I should say so. (-21)

Garth Crooks - shouldn't be allowed on the telly - it's their fault he's such a twat. Off with his head and 3 points from the Scum. (-24)

Now I wouldn't want you to think I'm at all biased so I would like to commend Tottenham Hotspur Football Club for their overwhelming generosity in providing their deadliest rivals with such an incredibly hysterical time since Sunday morning. To show our appreciation I think they should be awarded 3 points. (the running total, if I can use such a phrase is -21 points)

That's a lot of paperwork coming your way in a very short space of time and at the end of the season too - not fair is it? 3 points off? (-24)

That Lineker eh? - What a smarmy brown-nosing tosser he is - did I hear you agree to more 3 more points off? (-27)

Robinson? - He's just a short arsed lardy little wannabe. He's always diving at full stretch because his arms are so bloody short and his arse is dragging on the ground, mind you it's your fault for signing Sven - take 3 more off anyway, consider it a pre-emptive deduction for providing a totally unworthy England keeper - 3 points so that's a total of (-30)

Is dereliction of duty worthy of a 3 point deduction? - No? - Ok then just the 2 points off for allowing Ledley King to be injured, no bollocks they are the pits - take 3 points - ok then just the 2 (that's -32) 65 minus 32 is how many?

Look I would write more but I've only got this bog paper to write on and North London is running a tad short for some reason. What's the tally?

Birmingham 34 points
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Tottenham 33 points
West Brom 30 Points
Sunderland 15 Points

Well I have to say that looks much better!