Book Review: Va Va Voom!

You'd also expect anyone who considers himself an Arsenal fan, owns a season ticket, pockets shed loads of money and obviously has numerous connections, to attend far more matches than he actually managed. For example, quite how any serious Gooner could even consider watching a game of cricket rather than attend Highbury for the Manure League match is quite beyond me.

The inside fly of this book claims that Piers was a spectator at many of the away matches, well actually he wasn't. Certainly he watched the vast majority of them on the box and he was indeed a guest of MacDonalds at Cardiff, for what he himself describes as a pointless game. But the Community Shield was the only game outside of London he attended during the 2003-4 season. The only other away match was when he wheedled his way into White Hart Lane as a guest of Sir Alan Sugar. So it seems that his away support amounted to no more than two ponced tickets. Such dedication leaves me distinctly unimpressed, so if you really want ‘a unique fan's-eye perspective of one club's extraordinary achievement' then wait till Bernard Azulay's book is published.

However, having slagged the man off for his tepid support I have to say that I enjoyed this title immensely, mainly because Piers at least thinks like a real fan and also writes like one, probably with more panache than most. To paraphrase the author's warning, others might call it his forward, ‘Much of the material is highly inflammatory and deeply offensive to the players and supporters of other clubs due to his blind predudice'. That's fine by me. The book is basically a diary of our 2003-4 season seen through the eyes of a celebrity Gooner. Not a stunningly original idea but there are some seasons where it doesn't matter how much stuff you read about the team you just can't get enough of it. So what follows are a few snippets which should give you the flavour.

….. I toy with the idea of leaving early and seeking solace in a large bottle of Jack Daniel's, but you can't can you. (Inter home)

….. He (Lehmann) clearly hates Sheringham as much as the rest of us and he's only just met him (Pompey home 13/9/03)

….. Watching in the pub as van Nistelrooy stepped up to the plate, I had my head buried in my hands and waited for the inevitable nightmare to unfurl. When I realised what happened, from the appalled reaction of 95 per cent of the pub's shocked clientele, I leapt off my chair and embarked on a raging, drunken one-man conga repeatedly screaming, ‘Yes you CHEATING DUTCH BASTARD' at the top of my voice. (Manure 21/9/03 seen in Dublin)

….. Henry ran back to the corner flag and performed the move of the day – a fantastic back-heeled nutmeg to utterly humiliate the victim. Yes you've guessed it…taxi for Danny Mills, please. (Boro Premiership 10/1/03)

….. Sir Alex has blown a gasket again and lambasted the FA for daring to suspend Rio Ferdinand. It's everyone's fault but United's of course, as ever with Ferguson. I'm sorry but he is such a complete dickhead. (on Ferguson 1/11/03)

….. Henry thumped in his thirteenth goal of the Premiership, comfortably winning the Golden Boot. He also has the most assists, something Van Nistelrooy wouldn't even know how to spell. (15/5/04 Leicester)

A couple of the others reasons why I liked this book are, firstly that when Ferguson got off of driving on the hard shoulder because United's club doctor conveniently confirmed he was racing to the loo with urgent diarrhoea. Piers Morgan sent him a box of Immodium and a note saying ‘We Gooners knew you were full of shit, and now we know for sure'. Also, as a guest of Alan Sugar at WHL Morgan claims to have spent most of the lunchtime teaching Sugar's grandchildren Arsenal chants and generally irritating him with requests for a pass to go on the pitch should we win the title. It's an additional bonus to think that someone, somewhere was actually in a position to commit such wind-ups.

Available from any decent bookshop, if they don't stock it I'm certain they'll order it in for you if you quote the following ISBN number: 0 413 77451 1 Or of course you can try your favourite online bookstore.