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Ah, you find yourself thinking, shouldn't that read "To my only two supporters in life…"?
But, conceding that you ought at least to give the boy a moment of your time (he did, after all, contribute to many of Arsenal's recent successes), you press on. And, within two or three pages, you wish you hadn't bothered. Any last vestiges of respect you had for Cole gently dribble away, leaving nothing but a bitter after-taste.
And the dribbling begins in Dreamland itself. Here, we find Cole looking forward to Germany 2006, at the completion of Arsenal's invincible season; 38 games unbeaten, and the world is his for the taking.
"I'm so happy, it's not true" says our blissfully ignorant, cherubic left back, as he jigs around a jubilant Highbury. "Nothing, but nothing, could possibly go wrong."
Dun Dun Derrr…
We know, of course, that things are about to go very wrong indeed.
Consequently, reading these words is not unlike listening to a voice-over that says: "And so sets sail the Titanic, destined for distant shores. Vast, luxurious and unsinkable, nothing, but nothing, can stop her…" as an iceberg drifts into view, screen left.
This limp literary device is symptomatic of the book as a whole: it's constantly trying to cajole us into some semblance of excitement or anticipation where absolutely none exists. (Or, indeed, ever can: for we all know the sad outcome to this particular story.)
Anyway, enough of the book's shortcomings. We're interested in the footballer. And there really isn't any need to dig terribly deep, or explore the nooks and crevices of Cole's inner self, to establish what lies at the heart of his acrimonious split with Arsenal. For the same themes emerge time and again, sentence after sentence. In short, Cole wants us to know that his agent is the most important man in his life; and that the Arsenal board is ‘tight with the cash'.
Playing for Peanuts
Poor, poor Ashley.
We cry with disbelief when we learn that, at 19 years old, he earns just £25,000 a week – while players like Henry and Campbell are on £80,000 or more.
We shout ‘hurrah!' when Vieira tells him not to sign for less than £80,000, but Cole (with one nod to the sterling work done by our underpaid public services, including police, fire brigade and nurses) argues that £60,000 is enough. He does, after all, love the club…
And finally, we shriek with disbelief as the board appears to offer the magical £60,000, only to snatch back a measly £5,000 at the last minute – leaving out Ashley close to tears (as he drives his £200,000 Aston Martin back to his multi-million pound London pad).
It's all so unfair! What this story needs is a hero: someone capable of grasping the nettle with both hands; some brave knight that will take up the mantle on Cole's behalf, and lay waste to the dastardly dragon that is David Dein…
The Thick Plottens
This is the point at which Jonathan Barnett steps in. Barnett is one of Cole's agents and, in the player's own words, his protective uncle.
At the pivotal moment in mid-January 2005, shortly after Ashley learns of the board's derisory offer, the book temporarily switches narrators from Cole to Barnett.
Barnett tells us, solemnly, that Cole has been reduced to a distressed and disheveled shadow of his former self by the board's ham-fisted (or is it tight-fisted) pay negotiations. ‘They treated him like a muppet," says Barnett.
Sensing that an ‘insecure' and ‘shy' Cole is close to despair, Barnett offers an instant pick-me-up (in his words, a ‘morale boost') by setting up an impromptu meeting with football's super-agent, Pini Zahavi. So off they jaunt, Cole and his uncle, to meet Zahavi at London's Royal Park Hotel.
It's incredibly fortuitous that Zahavi is not only in town, but that he is just around the corner and has 20 minutes to spare when Jonathan phones. Then again, isn't football just full of coincidences?
Curiouser and Curiouser…
Thus we find Jonathan whispering sweet nothings into Pini's ear, while Ashley tries valiantly to emerge from his Dein-induced despair. Laughter finally erupts when Jonathan tells Pini that Ashley is "happy with… wait for it… £60,000 a week!"
If you are still holding on to your lunch at this point, you've done exceptionally well. Personally, I found myself reaching for the nearest Tesco carrier bag. Hang on if you can, though. For it gets better. Much better.
Zahavi, with a quick glance at his watch, announces ‘Time! Time!" (He is undoubtedly a busy and very important man.) Cole and Barnett do their very best to rush away, but before they can exit the room, who should burst in? None other than Jose Mourinho and Peter Kenyon!
Blimey, now that really is a coincidence. Wow. It just so happens that the ‘world's best left back' finds himself sitting next to the manager of a team with infinite financial clout… and a gaping hole at left back.
Call Norris McWhirter, Quick!
Would you Adam and Eve it? Someone grab a stopwatch or something. Surely this meeting stands an excellent chance of making it into the Guinness Book of Records, as one of the greatest coincidences in the history of football.
But don't spend too long trying to assess the likelihood of things happening as Cole describes, because there's something even more shocking – and even less credible – lurking in the very next paragraph:
"I liked him a lot," says Cole of the smiling Mourinho.
Can it get any worse? Can we take any more? Can credibility be strained any further? You bet it can…
"Kenyon also seemed decent enough," adds Cole.
Ah, That's OK. We're Clearly Still in Dreamland!
This is undoubtedly the point at which even the most ardent Ashley Cole fan gives up. It is certainly the point at which any intelligent person starts to wonder if they have the word ‘Sucker!' stamped on their forehead.
Are we really supposed to believe this is what happened? Clearly, Arsenal and the FA do not. Most amusingly, even Chelsea give a very different version of events.
Thus armed with a good understanding of the foundations upon which the book is built (i.e. pure fiction), the discerning reader will, no doubt, ignore everything that follows.
Is there any point in listening to Cole's recriminations and accusations? (It was Peter Hill-Wood's fault all along!). Is it worth dredging through all the huffing and puffing of England's failed 2006 campaign? Is anyone really interested in playing gooseberry to Cole's courtship of Sheryl Tweedy?
No.
And so to Bed
Then, just when you think it's time for cocoa and a nap, you chance some interesting comments made by Cole's co-author (i.e. the bloke that wrote every word), Steve Dennis.
In the course of giving us his own acknowledgements, Dennis picks out Jonathan Barnett for special praise: "Without the vision and encouragement of Ashley's agent, Jonathan Barnett, this book would never have happened," he says.
Instantly, inevitably, your mind rewords this sentence, just as it did with Cole's opening dedication to his mother and his wife…
Ah, you find yourself thinking, perhaps that should read "Without the encouragement of Ashley's agent, none of this would have happened."
Author's Note
It's true that this book was read from cover to cover in less than two hours. But, in my defence, I would argue:
1. This does not necessarily mean anything important was overlooked. On the contrary.
2. If you read the acknowledgements and preface, you too would skip through the remaining pages as quickly as possible (barely touching each one and thoroughly cleansing your hands afterwards).
3. Glancing at the CV of ‘co-author' Steve Dennis is sufficient to bring anyone's reading to an abrupt conclusion: Dennis previously worked with Paul Burrell on his Lady Di book, ‘A Royal Duty'. Nuff said.
I would also like to point out that this book was borrowed from the library and fell due for renewal on the day I finally sat down to review it. Astonishingly, some sad muppet wanted it after me – and I certainly wasn't prepared to pay 5p a day in fines – so it had to go back.
Now, if the library had reduced its fines to 4p a day, as my agent promised they would, then I'd have happily held on to this book for another three or four years…
Ashley Cole My Defence: ‘winning, losing, scandals and the drama of Germany 2006'
RRP £18.99
Headline Publishing, 2006.