What follows has been transcribed by a mole at the F A and sent to me anonymously, I can't swear to it's authenticity but it looks genuine enough to me:
Graham Poll to FA 18/12/01 (This is the confidential report - my official report will follow in a day or so)
The fax I received from Sir Anal Fergusmoan this morning kindly reminded me that Parlour had scored a hat-trick against Newcastle the season before, and could I see what I could do. Fair doos Sir Anal, I reckon I should be able to find a little something for you tonight.
I thought I was absolutely brilliant, I played this one really cleverly, God I'm good. I absolutely held out for as long as I could before booking anyone, a bit of a strain of course but I managed. It may have looked like I was waddling about some 40 metres behind the play without a clue but I've always found that if you're far enough away from the action it's far easier to get it totally wrong and wind both the managers up. Besides it wasn't until just before half time that I realised how much better these two teams were than my very own dear Chelsea and that one of them would go top, well obviously I'd prefer it to be Newcastle because they're not going to stay there all season. I realise the Referees Society have got an absolute packet riding on ManU but there's plenty of time left this season to get a few suspensions sorted for the other top teams. You see the trick is to let anything go early doors because it lulls the players into a false sense of security and makes it appear that you're trying to let the game flow. With any luck Martin Tyler would be commenting on the good advantages played by Mr Graham Poll, but I won't know that until I've admired myself on the video later tonight. It was a fast game so basically I was just blowing up whenever I needed a breather. Pires scored for Arsenal after twenty minutes and there wasn't even a marginal offside that I could blow for, besides I needed another breather as I was dripping absolute buckets, so I'm afraid the goal had to stand.
Obviously the longer the game went on the more I'd have to slow it down, so four minutes later I booked Parlour. Parlour plays for England sometimes and I figure the more I upset English players this season the better chance I have of getting more games in the World Cup. I certainly don't want England to win as it would reduce the number of games I might get in the Far East. Come to think of it I can certainly tip off a few of the other refs on the English squad's weak points viz a viz earning yellow cards.
On thirty four minutes I booked Vieira, I think this may be the longest I've ever gone in a game without booking him, but I just wanted to see him to squirm for a bit longer than usual. God I hope they give me a France game in the World Cup, how good would that be? I gave Parlour his second yellow just before half-time, a brilliant ploy this one, he was chasing Alan Shearer, another English bastard, when Shearer fell over as Parlour tacked him. Seems I really got Wenger at it on the touch line, which was a bonus, but as I've said I was already knackered so there was no way I was going to waddle over and have him as well. Shearer was giving me a load of lip about it not being a foul so I was about to write his name in the book as well, but then remembered he's retired from International football so I let him off. Is it still F A policy to let him off, can't remember seeing a special memo about him this season, or was that just while he was England captain? Anyway it wasn't long till half time and the sound of that crowd going berserk was music to my ears. That showed them, how dare anyone dispute my mate Ken Bates claim about being the top London Club!
O'Brien equalised for Newcastle on the 60 minute mark, unfortunately no Arsenal players complained so I couldn't book any of them. Trouble was the Newcastle fans were starting to enjoy it now so I decided to wipe the smile off their faces as well. Fortunately Craig Bellamy waved his arms around in front of young Ashley Cole. If I'm to be perfectly honest I'd almost forgotten what side the cameras were on, but remembered just in time so that I could show them my best angle when I pulled out my second red of the night. At 1-1 it was in danger of going either way, but I got my chance when Campbell, another English bastard, tackled Robert who went down in the box like a sack of pommes-de-terre, the fall was pretty theatrical but I might not get another opportunity. As long as I didn't consult the lino I knew I'd get away with it. A yellow card for Campbell and a penalty, the classic referee's win double. I was trying hard not to piss myself laughing when I remembered that Shearer had never scored at Highbury in his career, still if he missed I could always let him take it again. Thankfully he scored from the spot.
I knew Arsenal would throw the kitchen sink at them and was a bit worried about Newcastle holding out but they tied it up with a third on a breakaway scored by Robert on 90 minutes. I hate Arsenal, it's only ever Tony Adams who'll come over and shake my hand after the final whistle. I wasn't expecting the added bonus though. I got more additional time in front of the TV cameras because Thierry Henry of all people gave me an ear-bashing at the end of the match. I could have just walked off down the tunnel but as Clive Thomas once explained to me; standing still has far more dramatic effect. Do you think he (Henry) really knows why I sent Parlour off and then gave the pen, I hope not. What a fabulous opportunity, I only had to stand there and look smug and the stupid Frog would dig his own grave. Of course I could have given him a red but Shearer was hanging about and obviously heard that Henry wasn't swearing or anything. Still the video replays won't show that and I could be on telly for weeks if Sky pursue their usual policy of berating Arsenal. Your video panel should be able to do him up like a kipper. It was a really great night out and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it.
PS Can I do the ManU v Arsenal game in April please.
Brian