And when it comes to Dennis Bergkamp they've got a family pack of worn out phrases. While the top of the list has to be the less than amusing once-was-a-pun on a fabled haunted ship and Bergkamp's refusal to step on an aeroplane, the one I'll be trying to take apart here is usually not objected to by Bergkamp fans.
So, Bergkamp the "Dutch Master". Well, what's wrong with it, other than being a little overused now?
Lets start with the argument in favour. Bergkamp, when on top of his game, produces football so marvellous it can be likened to great art. Seeing as he's Dutch, and the Dutch have a proud tradition of fine art we'll stick him in with the other Dutch artists, the Dutch Masters.
Well yes, fair enough really, we can see that his grand vision, his masterly touch and his eye for detail is worthy of Rembrandt, and we could easily liken that "did he really just do that, he can't have done, what did he do?" feeling of watching a Bergkamp goal to the subtle suggestiveness of van Gogh, king of the impressionists. But really, if we we're to compare Bergkamp to an artist there are plenty of better examples, more fitting parallels, better metaphorical twins...
Firstly we could mention Pablo Picasso. Picasso the genius, who rewrote art history. That fits quite well. We can note here that many a defender has been left looking more than a little like the screaming horse head in Guernica. And certainly Picassos humour seems to be reflected in the way Dennis mocks his opponents. But Bergkamp's goals are beautiful in a way that many Picassos are not.
We might want to bring up Edvard Munch for comparison. His painting "The Scream" has terrorized defender written all over it. But Munch isn't as big as Bergkamp, Dennis is somewhat grander.
A certain parallel could also be found with the surrealist art of Salvador Dali. The sheer absurdity of some of the goals Dennis scores, the irreverence for concepts of what can, and what can't, be done with a football are surely comparable with the monstrously ridiculous "Lobster Telephone" or one of the melting landscapes? But Bergkamp's vision is broader, more complete.
With an emphasis on vision, the "big picture", we have an obvious duty to assess Dennis alongside a Turner land/sea-scape. Both Bergkamp and Turner have the ability to paint on the biggest of canvasses, to overwhelm the senses and to make one gap. But Bergkamp distances himself from Turner with his human dimension, the attention to the people within the artwork. The fans, the opposition, the team-mates - they're all involved in the art, not just passive subjects.
Perhaps MC Escher's impossible illusions suit the Bergkamp impossible goals? But while Escher twists the perceptions Dennis boggles the mind within the laws of the physical universe.
Monet is too serene, Mondriaan too square, Matisse too flamboyant.
Da Vinci is closer than the above, his genius stretched in all directions, but was centered on the human. In the end though we have to rule him out, if only because his greatest dream was for man to fly.
To fully appreciate Bergkamp as an artist we need to look at the execution of his art, the real-time action, the dialogue, the dance the telling of the story..... Now the true comparison can be made, now we can see the artist who most closely embodies the essence of Dennis Bergkamp....
"Well then kids....dum de dum de dum...we'll just splash a little on here...dum de dum de dumm....do a little of this over here....dum de dum de dummmm....can ya guess what it is yet?....dum de dum de dum.....just add a couple of things here....dum de dum dum duummmm.....have you got it yet? No? Keep watching.....dum diddle dum diddle dooo....just add a last couple o' bits over here....and here we go....you've guessed it right? Thats right, it's a goal. Not a bad one either, If I say so myself. Whaddya reckon? Kept ya guessing right up until the end eh?"
That's right, if Dennis Bergkamp were an artist he'd be none other than Rolf Harris. And Dabizas and other unlucky defenders would be the poor kids, bemused as to what on earth was going on until, too late, the finished work was framed and hung. Right at the end they stand there saying "Oh yeah, I can see it now, the trap, the flick, the switch-back, the chip, the volley, when you put them all together it all comes clear..." Though Dennis's artwork is far far grander than Rolf and his didgeridoo could ever manage it's the way he keeps you guessing, right up to the bitter end, that is truly his mark of genius.
Dr Headgear